In a demonstration of solidarity with illegal immigrants and as a part of their ongoing campaign to loosen American border policy, Phoenix Suns owner, Robert Sarver, has made a truly remarkable announcement. Beginning next season, he will end financial discrimination at his team’s home games by removing the long standing requirement that attendees purchase tickets and sit in their assigned seats. As Sarver himself put it, “However intended, the end result of requiring tickets is that our basic principle of equal rights is being called into question.”
But slashing the required “papers fee” and eliminating the associated documentation was only the beginning. Sarver added that concessions at all Phoenix Suns home games will be complimentary and unlimited—and that includes the booze. Gone are the days of gouging citizens with overpriced junk food after they’ve already shelled out an average of nearly $60 bucks to attend the game in the first place.
The new policy is expected to cost millions to implement, but rest assured, the new costs will not affect attendees in the slightest. All operational, concessions, and other costs will come straight from the paychecks of the team’s top players. Some industry insiders have criticized this decision although further investigation has alleviated most of their concerns. Speaking for the team, Grant Hill and Steve Nash assured us that the reduced pay was not a problem saying the team was “willing to do whatever it takes to give their fans a better experience, even if that meant severe pay cuts, or even playing for free.”
Many hope The Suns unique stance on game attendance is the start of a new trend in American basketball. Although some other teams have signaled they will follow Sarver’s example, others moved to increase arena security. Only time will reveal the fate of this brave new experiment in professional sports.
/**The above work is satire, but fortunately, you already knew that.**